The last few months, that was how I felt - that my life was no longer my own; that I belonged to everyone else but me; that I was losing control over my life.
My family should be utmost in my list of priorities. In many ways, they are. Especially my children. I brought them into this world and they are very important to me. However, they are still young and are very needy. Very often their needs take precedence over mine and everyone else's. At home sometimes I have no time for myself, unless I hide myself in my room and lock everyone else out. Terrible, I know. But, to remain sane, I need time for myself and I need quiet time. My hubby, well, he IS my chosen life partner and I DO need to allocate time for him, for us. Unfortunately, I don't give him that much of my time. So sorry, mate!! My mother, who lives with me, also demands a lot from me sometimes. And there are times when I have chosen to ignore her, just so that I could stay quiet and rest.
My work is another time and energy sapping aspect of my life. The thing is I don't always view work as WORK! Sometimes work is personal. Sometimes work is interest. Sometimes work is caring and sharing. So work is never JUST WORK! Even my husband questions me about why my work takes up so much of my time and energy. Example, why I have to be at school almost daily for cheer practice, why I was busy with drama, why I had, still have, bags of tshirts in my car, why my car is like a store room, why I bring my kids along to school on weekends. The last few years, work seems to be intruding into a lot of my life, and even the lives of my family members. Sometimes this is of my own doing. Sometimes it's not. I am basically a people-work person, not a paper-work person. As long as it is people-work, I am more likely to let the work come into my life.
So this is why I have this feeling that I am losing myself in everything. I need some time off work and just go away for a while. It's only July and I am so ready for a 7 week break. I am tired, physically and mentally. Sometimes I also feel emotionally drained. NOW I am starting to feel a little sadder that I did not get the scholarship. That would have given me more opportunity to spend time with my family, as well as do things for myself. So my chance is gone since I am not eligible to apply for the next batch in December. Without the scholarship, I will not go for further studies. I cannot manage. I am barely managing now.
I will soon have to find time to just do some soul-searching and be still so that I can have some self-examination. I need to get back some control over my life.