My merdeka post

Today my country celebrates its 53rd birthday. Malaysia - land of opportunity and land of smiles. Malaysia - land of possibilities, and land of impossibilities. This is the land that these founding fathers worked so hard for, not necessarily the ones in this picture only. It was not an easy journey. I am sure there were sacrifices made which we have not learned about.

Land of -est. The tallest, the highest. The biggest, the most this and that. All these are things we are proud of. For a small country, we have a lot of superlatives. The vision of some of our leaders brought about these.

And yet, Malaysia is not about these superlatives. It is not about achievement in these matters. Even if we have the tallest / highest / biggest whatever, and yet we have not love for one another, if we have not respect for one another's differences and heritage, then we have NOTHING. A big ZERO. So what are we supposed to be about? This ....

learning to live together in perfect harmony with one another regardless of race, religion or creed.

We don't have to always agree with one another, that is to make us robots and yes-men. But it is perfectly fine to AGREE TO DISAGREE. We can be neighbours, friends, and even family.

Let us not forget what Merdeka is all about, what it meant to someone who was there when the Tunku shouted "MERDEKA" 7 times. Let us remember the sweat and tears ... who knows, and blood, that have been shed to get us that declaration of independence.

Even if we were not there 53 years ago, can we perhaps, learn to be colour blind when it comes to friendship? Does it matter who our friends are - when it comes to race? Aren't we of ONE race? We may have different cultural practices and religions, but, should that be a stumbling block to us?

As this country celebrates 53 years of independence, may we all grow up too. May we all behave like grown ups in a country that has gone through half a century of independence.

My wish list for this birthday celebration?

• that the elected leaders rule the country with the FEAR OF GOD!


• that these same leaders put the interest of the country ahead of their own interest.


• that corruption will greatly reduce (among political leaders as well as those little Napoleons).


• that the citizens of this country will learn to think logically and calmly before they act or speak (with knee jerk reaction)


• that the citizens of this country will cease to have unfair and uneducated opinions of other races.

So, to Malaysia and all Malaysians .....

And now, I look forward to celebrating Malaysia Day for the first time in 16 days' time.

Being moody and difficult

I don't know how others see me but I tend to think I am (most of the time) quite amiable and easy to get along with, especially once you have got to know me well. I guess I can be wrong at times and prove to be less than friendly. A friend told me I have that killer stare ... "if looks could kill ... ", you get what I mean. Well, I do admit that I check out my face in the mirror occasionally and I agree, I have a look that can scare a lot of people, especially if I do not smile.
Well, lately, due to what, specifically, I do not know, I have been more moody and difficult than usual. I have been feeling anoyed and angry about nothing in particular, getting all worked up over the smallest things and raised my voice more often than usual. This is rather unsettling because it is so NOT the real me. And I feel terrible for the people who have been on the receiving end of my anger and what-nots.
My mum has been getting it from me a fair bit. Nothing serious really, but I have been ignoring her, and sometimes, just can't bring myself to smile at her. It feels terrible. My other half has often been on the receiving end, especially because I expect so much more from him that he is willing to give. So occasionally he gets the killer stare and that look that makes him wonder who he has married. My kids - ahhhh, yes, they too have been on the receiving end. Jon, being the eldest, gets it the most. My patience is limited and sometimes I end up screaming at him for even the tiniest of mistakes. Jeremy, my little drama king, gets it a fair bit too. Joel, well, I think I am most patient with him but .. he gets it too. When I cannot stand his lack of response anymore, I raise my voice (as if he would understand better), and threaten with the cane. Sigh! What is wrong with me? I don't like this ME. It is NOT me.
I am sorry, my family. I will try very hard to control the anger and annoyance. I will try very hard to not raise my voice or look nasty.
To the others, hmmm, well, I cannot promise I will be okay all the time. But I promise I will try my best to be more patient and to not make mountains out of mole hills.

My life is no longer my own indeed

When I first started this blog, I wrote "my life is no longer my own" as the title of my blog. How true it is turning out to be. My life seems to be divided into many portions.
One big portion is for my family, specifically my children. Being a mother to three boys is rather tiring. Don't get me wrong, the boys are relatively compliant. They do not cause too much trouble, generally. But they are an energetic bunch and catching up with them is tiring. Trying to fulfill their needs and being there for them in all they do is indeed challenging. When they were younger, they were needy. Physically they needed me almost all the time. As they grow up, they are needy in different ways. Much as I push them to their father, they still stick to me a lot, especially the youngest.
Another big portion of me goes to work. Of course at work, I am divided into several sub-portions. On occasions I have felt as if I needed to be cut into many pieces so that I can do all that is expected of me. Sometimes I feel as if I have sold my soul to the school - to the school admin, the ministry of education, and of course, the students.
Other portions include church and cell group, as well as other interests, though not much of my time is spent on those other things. It is sad. I should spend more time for the spiritual and emotional aspects of my life, and yet I don't have time for that. Physically I feel drained too as I do feel myself getting older and I am not as energetic as I used to be.
My temperament too has changed somewhat. I used to be a lot more patient with my children, and with SOME people. These days I find myself raising my voice a lot, and it is rather disconcerting because I don't like what I am turning into.
What is my point? Nothing in particular, really. I am just examining myself. I am just trying to put my life into perspective for myself to see. Perhaps I can still do something and regain my self. I need to get ME back.

It's a relief but here comes work again

I am relieved that things are working out better, at least for now. I don't have to worry about the team being hijacked. I hope. But there is plenty of work waiting. For the team, there will be work in October for sure. And perhaps even in September. In addition, it will soon be time to regroup as we will be losing the Form 5s, and then some. It will be sad and it will take a lot of work to regroup. I can just see it.
In addition to that, there will be work with the English Lit girls. We need to get going with the plan to put up 3 skits by early next year. We haven't got ourselves going. And it is August already. I am worried.
Normal mundane school work. There is plenty of that. I am struggling as I just cannot seem to find the energy and drive to do them. I think, perhaps, having tasted work in other areas, I cannot bring myself to sit down and just do things like marking and other paper work.
I do wish to have a loooooong holiday of just not doing any school work. But I bet I will be bored sitting at home and just face my own kids for weeks. We'll see.

Why?

Why do these happen?

• We work hard for something and we achieve success beyond imagination, and then something happens to sabotage the future of the group.
• Teenage girls get all giddy headed just because some boys they like are in certain groups and then they too want to be there and leave the group which they are supposed to belong to.
• Teenage girls squabble and go mad at one another for the tiniest of reasons and get all upset and refuse to make up with one another.
• Adults have visions for the future and plan things with agenda that does not benefit the people they have worked so hard to groom and then just get these new agenda to destroy the very group they built up.
• People take me for a fool who works hard and has passion for the things I do.
• People take advantage of my sincerity.
• People assume I am a push-over.
• Many think I am not easily affected by failures and troubles.

The last few days have been difficult for me. These questions, among others, have caused me such pain and sorrow. It is a vicious repetition of the things I felt so strongly about just 2 years ago, and some years before that. It saps me emotionally and makes me feel like giving up on the things I work so hard to build up.

And I feel betrayed. It was a betrayal that cut me to the bone because it was by people I thought I could trust, people I cared about. I wonder if they even know what I am feeling. Probably a little. And I wonder if it affects them. Probably not. And this makes it worse for me, knowing that they know, and are not affected. So why am I crying? What am I crying for?

In a way, I am glad not many still follow me here. I feel that I can express these without having to consider too many people. I am just .... S A D!

Appreciation

Sometimes all it takes to get people moving is to show some appreciation for their efforts. It is not every day that the staff gets appreciated for the work they put in. Very often we end up with various grouses about how we have to work so hard and yet the time and energy put in goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Well, once in a while, somehow, a show of appreciation in the form of official recognition is given. That recognition is finally given to a buddy of mine. She has been so tired with all the work that lands on her lap, rightly or otherwise. The amount of work she does is unbelievable. I take my hat off to her for all that she has achieved as my "boss" the last two years. I am extremely proud of her and am glad that she has been given the award.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Wholesome weekend

The weekend that has just passed was a wholesome one, something my family truly enjoyed. We didn't go anywhere in particular, but it was just a weekend that we spent together. My sons finally had me all to themselves.
For so many weekends they were not able to go anywhere, at least not with me. I have been working too hard and too long. I finally made the decision to come back to my family and give them the priority everyone deserves. And it was a good, nay, great decision.
Saturday started with an outing to One Utama with my boys. The last time I was there was in February. And that was also only to have dinner. And before that was ... last year. We only walked around and had lunch. Then the boys enjoyed themselves in a bookstore. That was all, but they had fun. Then we went home and got their things to go swimming. Hubby and I have enrolled Jon and Jeremy in swimming class and they had a great time. After we got home, and the boys had dinner, Joel fell asleep while having dinner. He didn't finish it, and I got him to sleep (until the next morning). The rest of us spent the evening watching video together.
On Sunday, after church, we went for lunch together. Nothing much to shout about but it was nice to be out together. After resting at home for a while, we went to the pool again. The classes are on Saturday and Sunday. So my weekends are going to be tied down from now on. Jon and Jeremy are reall enjoying the swimming classes although they were apprehensive about going into the water without their floats. It helps that the instructor is a sweet young thing who is very patient with children.
So that was my very wholesome weekend. Boring for some people, but I really cherish the time we had together. Much as I dread the fact that my weekends are tied down, I look forward to being with the children, and having family time together.