Where is the rainbow?

I am looking for the rainbow and the pot of gold at the end of it. Not in the material sense but the hope and the reward of hard work. I have been sighing too much.

Been a tough few days

Spending the few days in Shah Alam, holed up in the hotel during the competition was not my idea of work. But looking back, I have learned a few things.

• You don't win just because you have put in a lot of effort. Effort does NOT equate success. It helps, but it is not guarantee success. So we did not win the competition. We came away empty handed. Was I disappointed? A little, especially after all the hard work and EFFORT! Other people worked hard too.
• My kids are an extremely pampered lot. I had the most problem, not with anything else but with THEM. Firstly, they sleep like they're dead. All the alarm clocks in the world, and door bells could not wake them up. And to top it off, they can be extremely irresponsible and think only of themselves. This was a major disppointment to me and I think all of them need a smack on their bottoms for behaving the way they did, with me.
• I missed going to the gym. I spent about half an hour in the hotel gym and it was refreshing for me. I was tired for a while but it was so good to sweat it out and to get back to exercising. I need to find a way to get back to exercising in the gym.

Coming back to school after the few days of being away, I am finding my pace. I am trying to get back to normal work. I am still struggling with my marking. I have left it for a few days and I just don't feel like getting back to that. But I will.

Honestly, I am seriously tired of managing the team. I don't think they (esp the younger ones) appreciate my role in the team. I don't think they understand how much I (and the seniors) have worked to get us to where we are, at least in the eyes of the school. They are getting too self-centred and only think about themselves. They don't see the bigger picture, the future plans. I am worried for them. But I am tired. I feel like hanging up my role and just let them be. Perhaps what I should do is not to take in anymore gigs after this. I have given up so many of my weekends and holidays for them. Not getting anything in return, not even a word of thanks, sometimes. It is frustrating.

Perhaps it is time to make them slog for what they want. That should build character in them. Nothing comes easy and they should work hard for the team if they want to progress. They should just learn that I cannot pamper them all the time. Nor will I nag them. They make a mistake, let them fall and pick themselves up again. Only problem is .... do I have the heart to let them be? Can I just be mean and close my eyes to them? Can I?

Being responsible

... means taking ownership of the things you do.
... involves spending time and effort on whatever you are supposed to do.
... does not mean you can claim that you have worked hard at something and therefore deserve to be rewarded for it, especially if you haven't worked very hard at it.
... means finding out where your weaknesses are if you have not been deemed worthy of a prize.
... has lots to do with attitude which eventually translates into action.
So to those of you who think you DESERVE something for the little you have done, think again.

Do I give up?

The busy-ness over the D*starz has got me thinking. I have been with them for 3 years. I don't know if I have done a lot of good but I have done my level best for them. I am seriously thinking of moving on. My life has been tied down to them these last 3 years and it is very tiring for me. I have had lots of fun with them, and I have learned a lot in the process of managing them. But ... perhaps it is time to make changes in my work profile. Everything else in has taken a back seat and it is time to focus on my other work. I don't know. Do they still need me? Have they ever needed me in the first place? Perhaps it is time for young blood to take over and bring them to greater heights. I am getting tired. But then, will I be like the other time when I let go off another group? I saw them descending into the depths once more, and I cannot bear for that to happen. So how?

I need to breathe

It feels like I have hardly any opportunity to breathe. There is a lot to do, and I just don't seem to be coping. I am being neglectful of a lot of things that matter. Like my family. My health. My sanity. I can literally feel my chest getting tighter. I can feel the stress in my whole being and I can safely say, I am NOT coping well.
Give me a 5 day weekend, please. I need to get away and learn to live again.

Extreme anxiety

I am extremely anxious. Too much to worry about. First one is the competition from Sunday to Tuesday. The competition that caused me to create a 36-page single spacing in BM business report. The one that took away a few years off my life. The second is the gig on 30th Oct. I am incapable of doing anything well now. Too worried and am about to explode with anxiety.

Insecurity

I am realising more and more how insecure I can be. To many, I look like a confident woman, someone who knows my mind and can thus make decisions without much of a problem. I guess the nature of my job makes me look confident, and it makes me feel like I am important sometimes. But underneath it all, I realise I have a lot of insecurities. I have lots of things from the past that still affect me. Most of those things are not my doing. Most of the things are just things that happened.
Talking to my buddy today, she shook me up when she asked me a question. Why am I going back to the past? Why do I want to dig back the things from the past? Answer : I have a lot of issues related to the past that have not seen closure. I did not tell her that. But I will.
I have had too many things happening to me in the past that make me who I am - a seemingly confident woman who is secure in who she is, but in actual fact, I am a woman with a lot of fear and insecurities. I have managed to overcome most of them. But not all. And I have swept a lot of those under the carpet in order to survive. But the issues have not disappeared and they affect me in ways I cannot explain. I thought I could bury some of the things, but apparently not.
I am thankful that I have people who look out for me. Keep looking out for me. I have so much that I have not worked out and don't know how to. And these things are making me do things I normally wouldn't do. I hope I can overcome the ghosts of the past, and let myself heal properly.

There is a reason for everything

From a very young age, I have understood there is a reason why things happen, to me, at least. I have had my fair share of incidents and experiences that I would not want to happen to anyone I care about. I could write a little novella just based on the first 20 years of my life.
But I digress. There surely is a reason and a lesson to be learned. I do not begrudge the Almighty for allowing me to go through the many things I have gone through. But does everything (well, almost everything) have to come to me the HARD way? Or perhaps I am meant to go through them, experience them, feel what it is like so that I truly can say I KNOW what it means to go through them. Yes, many a times I have encountered situations where I could empathise with some people, because I had gone through something like what they had gone through. I mean, I understand, but .... DO I NEED TO GO THROUGH MORE OF THEM??? I don't know how much more I can take. Although I know "He will not make me bear more than what I can bear", sometimes I think HE overestimated me. In my moments of weakness, I wish I could bear less. I just feel so tired.
Lord, help me to find strength. I need rest.

Mixture of emotions

It is tough when one keeps having a mixture of emotions within a short period of time. It was a real rojak and it was tough because I got so mixed up, so confused over what I was feeling at any one time.
Firstly I was having such an anxiety over Pn A leaving us. I lost appetite, and I couldn't sleep well. I kept worrying over what would happen after she left. And I was really devastated that she would not be coming back and I would not get to say hello to her and report to her how D*starz is doing, etc. It seems irrational, but there, I felt all those emotions and was really down.
Then I was feeling anxiety about D*starz because we are in the process of "restructuring" the team. I am worried because the seniors are leaving, and some Form 4s are not going to be with us anymore. Some Form 2s also. How can I not worry and get anxious over this? I don't see next year's team in my mind's eye. And this is NOT good. So I have been worrying myself sick over this.
Next is the temptation mentioned yesterday. Being in that position is confusing. I couldn't think straight and was wondering what I was getting myself into. On one hand I was almost enjoying it because I didn't know better. But on the other hand, I knew it was trouble with a capital T. And I am thankful that the matter is sorting itself out, that sanity and sensibility prevail. A little related to it is the fact that some people were almost encouraging things although it was not their intention to. So I got all confused and everything bothered me to no end. But I have been praying so hard that I would be wise in what I do and so far, I think I am okay.
Then I have this person at home who keeps making me angry with all that she says. Her temperament certainly makes life very difficult for me, and for whoever is in my house. Almost every day, there is something that makes her fly off the handle and go on an emotional rampage. In the process, she makes me angry enough to be unkind in my words and actions to her. After which I feel a sense of extreme guilt.
Yes, a tirade of emotions that have managed to turn me into an almost emotional wreck. I don't want to give in so easily to all that I feel, but .... I am very emotional. Even when I don't believe it myself.

Temptation

I have been teased to no end, lately. And I have to admit, it was fun to be teased but it was also like a fire waiting to singe and even burn me down. Although I am fine about it most of the time, I can just see and feel the power of temptation. It is so easy to fall, it is so easy to get trapped. I have just had a glance ... or a peek of how dangerous it can be.
For a long time, perhaps I was either naive or perhaps I have been very sheltered. I have never faced temptation as much as what I was almost trapped in. On one hand, it gives one a feeling of intoxication, and of power. I don't know how this comes about. On the other hand, one gets the feeling of immense danger.
There is a whole world out there which is a dangerous place to be in. The people have different values and different outlook on life. To someone as "naive" as me, it might look beautiful and glamorous, even desirable. But take another look, a closer look, and it really is not the way it seemed.
The Bible says "flee from evil" .... well, as much as it can be branded evil, it is not an easy thing to do. The desire to flee has to be there. And now I understand why so many people fall, it is because they do not desire to flee.
What am I going on about? Temptation.

I will miss you

Dear Pn Alainal,
I am writing to say that I will truly and earnestly miss you. The last 6-7 years you have been with us have been glorious years. We have had our fair share of ups and downs and through it all, you have been there for us. You have shown us what it is like to not confine ourselves to the boundaries of school. You have encouraged us to soar above the norm.
I have so much that I actually want to say to you. But I cannot word the things I want to say. My heart is so heavy and sad that you will no longer be my boss. I am fearful about how things will be in your absence. I worry about not getting the strong support you have been giving me, and the groups that I have been handling. I am filled with a sense of dread. But like what you said, life has to go on. I cried when you texted that to me. On one hand I cannot deny that life HAS to go on. On the other hand, I wanted to be selfish and say DON'T GO.
On Friday we shall be formally say our goodbyes. I am not ready for it. I don't think I ever will. As it is I feel as if I am losing a big part of my life. That is to your credit, that you have impacted my life so much that I don't just see you as a boss, but a mentor and someone I can turn to for guidance and understanding. I don't know how many people feel the way I do, but I suspect many do.
It is with great reluctance and a heavy heart that I bid you goodbye. I might not be able to say anything to you personally. But in my own way, I am saying goodbye now. Help me to let go. Do think of us all once in a while. You might not come and visit us due to some reasons. I hope we can go and visit you some day.
Goodbye, dear lady. I will miss you. I already do. *Tears*

A funny day - sort of

Why is it a funny day? Someone made me laugh a lot today. I did not laugh out loud much but I still had a lot of laughs. I was flattered and I was given a boost in my self-esteem. Yes I am fully aware of what was happening, but I was, nevertheless, flattered and had a good day of just basking in unnecessary flattery.
Most of all, the whole thing made me wonder. I am a middle-aged woman who has been happily married for close to 14 years. No, life has not been a total bliss. There have been problems and issues that we have had to sort out. There have been incidents which were less than desirable. In short we are a very normal family with our ups and downs. We are also a very "Asian" family most of the time. Outward affections are usually reserved for parent-child relationship. But we do show our love to one another. The only problem is that we hardly ever praise one another enough. I guess I am learning that when I don't praise my other half enough, it doesn't do any good for his self-esteem, just as not getting any praises from him does that to me. *Note to self : show him my appreciation more, and praise him from time to time.*
So ... when I was bombarded with attention by a certain someone, I was flattered. I know it is just playing with words and nothing more than that. But .... it made me realise how much I need the same kind of attention and, yes, flattery, from my other half. I was dragged out of the mundane life into a more "interesting" situation. This is something I have never thought I would experience and feel.
The feeling has pretty much subsided now. I am back to my usual self. And I am slowly theorizing about what it was all about. I think it is an Oedipus thing. I am convinced it is. For it cannot be anything else. I think I have that effect on people, esp younger people. Somehow. And I recall that years ago, I drew that kind of attention from some people. Perhaps they feel safe with me. Or they feel they can trust me, so they talk to me. They share with me things they don't feel comfortable sharing about with other people. Even when I was in my early teens, people used to confide in me very serious things.
Yes that is my theory. I will stick to that. Why? Just because it is a safe theory. And it satisfies my curiosity. And because I don't want it to be any other reason. I value my sanity too much.

Akinwande Oluwole Soyinka's "The Lion and the Jewel"

I am teaching the play "The Lion and the Jewel" by Wole Soyinka to my Form 4 students. So far we have had one 2 hour lesson. I enjoyed the play. The students are also enjoying it. They find it very different from the usual kind of stories that read about and watch on TV. The culture is different and everything else is different. The only similarity is human nature.
Although we are not going to stage the play proper, I hope to get the girls to act out scenes of the play and perhaps video-tape them doing that. It should be fun. The girls are also having fun with some of the word play and certain connotations in the play. It is very adult in nature and one has to be very mature in ordert to understand and appreciate the plot and themes.
One of the things I might want to do, if it is possible, is to make a trip with the girls to the Nigerian High Commissioners and see for ourselves all things Nigerian and try to understand the Nigerian way of life, etc.
Well, whatever happens, I am glad I chose this play, and that I was patient enough to wait for the book to arrive via post.

The book cover

Wole Soyinka, the Nobel Prize winner for Literature in 1986