Countdown

The countdown towards this March holiday begins. It's still another 10 days away. But the countdown begins. I am so looking forward to it. Not just because I will be away, but because I am entering a new phase in life which I am not willing to share yet. Part of me feels a lot of guilt but ... I am sure most people will tell me not to feel guilty for something I have to do.

Prayer

My Lord God, you work in mysterious ways. I can never fathom how Your mind works. For Your ways are higher than mine, and Your thoughts are not my thoughts.
I can only pray that You continue to keep a hedge of protection around me as I step into the paths You have prepared for me. You know I will be scared, but You keep providing for me, and You prove to me that Your grace is sufficient for me.
Thank you, Lord.

He is my provider

The LORD is my provider. Amen. Truly He is. Just when I was running into corners and walls, He provides. I can never deny the fact that He has always remained faithful even when I am faithless. I need Him more than ever as I prepare to go into the unknown. I am afraid and once in a while I feel the fear overwhelming me. I know I can only depend on the dependable and that can only be my Lord God.

And yet I hope in YOU

So many things seem to have happened to some of us in the last 2 months. So many things that have brought us on a roller-coaster ride. And the ride is not about to end any time soon. I was filled with sadness when a dear friend had to leave. I dreaded a lot of things in a place I am familiar with without the familiar face. I stood firm in some ways ... as she said, perhaps it was meant to be so that some of us took charge of things and rise above all those heartbreaking things.
Then at the same time, I was "ambushed" by another news. And this has brought even more uncertainties into my life. My world seems to have turned upside down the last 2 months, literally.
And yet, I know there is hope. There is hope in Him who gives me strength. And I know, much as I want to deny it, we will all survive, nay, more than survive.
Friend, though you may feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, you will eventually prove to be the very piece that is missing in the lives of some people. I believe you are where you need to be, for a reason. And I believe you will fulfill that purpose eventually.
Friend, though you will soon feel more emptiness, you will be that important factor that fills some other people's lives. You know you won't be the only one who feels that emptiness. For some of us will feel it too.
Let's make a pact that we will not be the odd one out for long. We will make a difference wherever we are. And keep your trust in Him who gives you strength and hope.

Palpitations

Every day, for the last few weeks, I have found myself feeling weak in the knees, weak at heart or just faster palpitations. No I do not have a heart condition. Not that I know of. No I am not sick, I don't think so anyway.
But I AM heartsick. And this is going to last for a while yet. It's going to bother me and haunt me for some time. Nothing I can do about it for now, except just to be calm, and be prayerful. That's what you get when the heart seems to have a life of its own, feeling things you don't want to feel. Well, not YOU, but I.

A tug at my heart strings

Today, for a brief moment, I felt a very strong tug at my heart. It was a feeling I have not felt since 1996. I felt it very strongly then, for a reason which people who know me well will know. I am feeling it now, just a short one. I am pushing it away for as long as I can but it is already tugging at that part of me, anticipating the big one for later.

He makes all things beautiful in His time

God has his own timing to all that happens to us. Nothing just "happens" without his prior knowledge or plan.
The year has started rather badly in some ways. I have been unhappy, disappointed, and just plain disgusted with some things. The only thing that has kept me going is seeing my students, hoping to teach them well, guide them and do what I do best.
The last month or so I have been dragging my feet to school. I have been dreading some things, become less hopeful of things and becoming such a cynic. It was getting rather unhealthy, for me, and also for people around me.
And it is at this time that God has shown His sovereignty. His timing is the best ever. It is at a time like this that God has shown me a way out of the drudgery, the negativity, the unhealthy environment I am in. In His time, definitely, all things become beautiful.
I shall not divulge more here, as I do not wish to cause unnecessary worry for some people. I know I will have to apologise later, but I will wait for the right time. And I dread that moment when I have to explain myself to those I care about so much. But all things will work out in the end. From now till then, I can just plan for the best possible outcome.

I don't know what to title this

The first month of the year has flown by. Work occupied most of the days in the month. If I were not working, I was involved in getting the CNY things prepared.
Work ... if has taken a lot out of me. Many friends who are serving in other schools ask why I am so busy with work, why am I always staying back, why I have to take students out so often, why I have so much paper work to do, why I seem to neglect my family over my students. I honestly cannot answer most of the time. I guess one answer I can give once in a while, is, I love what I do. I enjoy my work most of the time. I enjoy my students. But that does not mean I enjoy everything that gets thrown my way.
The last 5 weeks or so .... ever since we started preparing for the new semester, someone has managed to rile me up almost every other day. I keep feeling the urge to just erupt and let it be known how I (and some other people) feel. It is a sad and yet it is an extremely annoying thing when that person just seems to spew toxicity into our ears.
So far I have not done or said anything directly to counter that. I am not sure if I will. But I do wish I could. It is taking a lot out of me, and many other people, to bear with someone who just does not get that we are dealing with human beings and human beings are not mere numbers. It is upsetting to know that we are labelled the problems when we do not get evaluated highly. How can a guardian not protect and look after the interest of his charges? A guardian who only abuses and misuses his charge can be labelled an abuser - be charged in a court of law and be punished for his misdeeds. And yet, some people who are almost in that role, can get away with it scot-free, and only knows how to point fingers to blame, and waste the time of people who should be applauded just because everyone is lumped together as a group of ineffective subordinates.
My fuse is getting shorter and shorter. My patience is running thin. I can see no good thing coming out of this. Perhaps a change of scene is the way to go - on either side.