Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Been a while ... so many things

I have a lot to update actually, but I have not had the time or the mood to update. Too many things have happened over the last month or so. My emotions went on a roller coaster ride. I went to Shanghai and back. My work got all piled up and I could hardly breathe. Where do I even start?
Okay, I will update about the reason why my emotions went haywire. There were several reasons but .... I will start with one.
The word "redeployment" has become a much hated buzz word to many of us. From the time we heard about it in December and Sib got redeployed, it has become a much hated word. People kept dangling that word in front of us and used it to threaten. No joke. And not nice.
So I was informed in Mid May that my name had been submitted for redeployment. On the one hand, I understood that it was the most convenient thing to do, but on the other hand, I was infuriated. As the head of an organisation, knowing that your staff is already going on leave, and will be severely inconvenienced due to all the plans to leave, one should know that it was not the smartest nor the most humane thing to do. I don't think she anticipated the fury with which I reacted to the news. And I made it known publicly how I felt about it although it was not for certain that I would get redeployed. I made sure everyone knew I had been put on the list and that I was furious beyond measure. I made it known that I would fight the system if I had to, in order (not to stay but ...) to not be redeployed. To me, whatever respect (which was not a lot in the first place) I had for her, all dwindled down to zero. It was highly inappropriate for her to NOT fight for her staff, and certainly cruel of her to ignore the fact that we are all humans who have families and problems which we cannot simply not face. If she was thinking for the benefit of the school proper, I would have had less to fight about. But it was not because of the school (the institution and the students). It was about convenience, her convenience. And THAT, I could not accept.
Already I was struggling to finish all the work I was planning to finish before I leave end of July. I was bending over backwards to try to organise all my work so that I would not leave too many things for someone else to pick up after me. And then THAT had to happen. I was seriously beyond angry. I was not even sad anymore, just angry. Only an unfeeling person would do that to me, and to my students and the work that I have been doing. It was as if her point was I was not indispensable. I know I am not indispensable. But not at a time as this, when all my students are facing public exams. Not when I have a lot of duties which need to be seen to completion. So, yes, I was furious. Perhaps it was my own self-preservation mechanism. But whatever it was, it got her worried because she heard about how I made my feelings known. I was told that she would not do it to me. That she would protect me. That she would fight for me. Well, that was not the assurance she gave me. I was given no assurance. And getting those "assurances" via someone else ... how much was I supposed to believe?
I chose not to believe.
Well, the date of redeployment seems to have come and gone, or perhaps it is not implemented yet. Whichever it is, I am prepared. I will not abandon my students, nor will I leave my work half done. That is NOT me. If she hasn't discovered it yet, perhaps she will now.
Right now I am calm. Just because ... I have too many things to do and I just need to stay calm and breathe and reorganise myself. I need to focus on many things, from finishing my work, to all the things I need to do before we move. And I cannot do everything myself. And it is only on my Lord that I can depend for strength and wisdom as to how to best do the necessary.

No comments: