Failure

What constitutes failure? Is it not the inability to meet expectations? Whoever's expectations. The fear of failure can be so crippling that it causes one to just freeze and not look at the possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel.
Failure is something many people are fearful of. Failure in studies, in exams, in work, in marriage, in fulfilling aims and ambitions. Expectations not being met is not the worst thing in the world.
Whose expectations do we want to meet? For many, it's someone else's expectations. Parents', spouse's, society's, employer's.... the list just goes on. Can we truly meet every expectation? Perhaps. But more often than not, some of these expectations will come to naught and someone is going to be considered a failure, or that person has failed.
It boils down to the values that we hold. That will determine if we see ourselves as having failed or not. Whether the expectations we have are realistic or not, achievable or not.
Someone asked me very recently if it is ok to fail. I thought for a second and said yes. It is okay to fail, provided that every effort has been made to try and make things work. If they don't, even then, perhaps that is not a failure in itself. It's just learning another way NOT to do something.
I don't want to fail. No one does. But someone will, if expectations and values do not come together. I just hope that it won't be too scary.

31st October 2012 - Reflection

Is it end of October already? This marks 2 months and 19 days since we arrived in Shanghai. So much has happened in the last 10 weeks or so, it doesn't feel like it's only been 10 weeks. In a way, it feels like we've been here for half a year. I guess, being busy and just doing all things and meeting so many people, we can't help but feel like we've been here a long time. I mean, for CM it has been 5 and a half months, so it's almost been half a year.
In the last 2 months, things have been hard, with so many things to think about and plan and just plain try to settle. The changes in mood at home have made things hard. It's unbelievable how this vast country can change a person, how it can affect a person to the extremes. I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen it personally and experienced it myself.
In the last 2 months, I have felt fear, worry, anger, self-pity and impatience. Not your every day usual feelings, but somewhat to the extreme. I am grateful for the support I have had from various people and they have helped me through those episodes, whether by their prayers or their aptly spoken words and their actions. I still have days when I feel uncertain, when I don't know what I am doing. I would stare at various things in the apartment and wonder what I am doing, what I am going to do, what I plan to cook, where I want to go, etc. Sometimes, all I want to do is just climb back into bed and sleep the day away. So far, I have not succumbed to that. I have been able to get over that feeling of not being ready to face the world. Thank God, indeed.
I cannot plan very far into the future. I am afraid if I do, the plans will come to naught. Right now, all I truly look forward to is the trip home for the Chinese New Year in February 2013. I was so worried that we would not be able to make that trip home because of no tickets or because tickets were very expensive. When the tickets were finally booked, I was so deliriously happy. Just knowing that I will be able to go home and be with people from home made me so happy.
In the meantime, I have to realise that the trip is not going to be for another 3 months and 1 week. Serious! I have no idea how long that period of time in Shanghai is going to feel like. I have been here less than that. And as the weather here becomes colder, as winter draws near, I am worried about our health, about how we are going to handle the cold weather, about how our emotions are going to be as we end up being more house-bound, unable to go out much due to the cold. I can only pray and hope that all of us will be able to go through the next 3 months plus, survive the cold and survive the possible emotional downturn.
I am starting to feel the coldness. One shirt is no longer enough. No more short pants, only longs will do. Jeans do not feel sufficient to protect me from the cold, I will need leggings. My shoes will also not be sufficient. I will need water proof full shoes, probably boots.  The children will also need more clothes that suit the weather. I am thankful we have been getting some hand-me-downs from various people. That helps to reduce the number of clothes we have to buy for them. If only I could persuade the man to go and get some clothes for himself!
Well, more reflections to come some time later. In the meantime, I thank God for all He has given to us and done for us.

Surrendering to God instead - adapted from my FB note

It is so easy to surrender our lives to circumstances, feel defeated by the hard knocks we receive; but surrendering to God is so hard to do. We seem to prefer to surrender and cave in under pressure than to willingly give up our lives, our troubles and our frustrations to God. Why is that?
Is it because our egos are so big that if we fail, we just want to have the failures attributed to us? Or perhaps we just cannot give over the rein of life to the ONE driver who can get us to our destination safely?
It is so easy when we see others having problems to just say "Leave it to God. Remember Proverbs 3:5,6". Or God will not test you beyond what you can bear. Or what you face is common to man, God always gives you a way out. All these reassuring words, all from the word of God, can work wonders ... but can be very meaningless to the person saying them, because he/she doesn't know what it means to come to the state where one feels like there is no way out, when the point of desperation is so real and overwhelming. These can be just empty words.
So when this person himself/herself comes to the place where those very words can be uttered meaningfully to him/her, these words become empty words - because these words had never held true to him/her before. Because these words were merely words. Now, being on the receiving end of these reassuring and most beautiful words, he/she cannot understand them.
How sad it is then.
Instead of letting those words minister to the heart, some of us would rather let them pass, or escape to some corners of our minds and wallow in self-pity or focus only on ourselves, never on God.
How do we help someone like this?

Being satisfied - replicated from my fb page

My husband once commented to me, way back before we even got married, that he didn't think I was ever going to be a domesticated woman. He didn't think I would be happy being home-bound or that I would be very motherly. Was I insulted? Yes. But I let it pass as I didn't think I was going to be that domesticated anyway. To me, I was going to be a working wife and mother. I never thought the day would come when I would be a housewife.
Well, I am a housewife now. My primary duties have to do with the needs of my family. I do not go out to work, nor do I earn a living for now. I should be unhappy (probably according to some people). But I am not. I am feeling contented as a wife and mother. Perhaps knowing this might not be a permanent arrangement helps.
My daily duties revolve around getting the kids ready for school, preparing snacks or lunch for them to bring to school; doing the laundry, doing some light cleaning, shopping for groceries and cooking. I am learning to enjoy doing all of these. Yes I still wake up early in the morning. Earlier than I usually wake up to go to work. I get busy from then until the kids and hubs leave for school/work. Then my life slows down to a pace that most people will envy. I can have a leisurely breakfast on my own, or I can start taking things out from the freezer to thaw, or do the laundry, or just sit and watch TV, or read, or get on the computer to chat with friends, or get on fb.... the list goes on. I have spent most mornings-afternoons either going out with new friends, or attending bible study, or just have a leisurely morning-afternoon doing next to nothing if I like. There is no rush. There is no one to rush me. There is no deadline to meet. There is no real necessity to do anything urgently.
I am learning Mandarin. I have had some classes and am learning to speak better, widening my vocabulary somewhat, and also learning to recognise the Chinese characters so that I can at least read some rudimentary words. My tutor is quite happy with my progress. I am happy with my progress.
Here, I do not have really nice clothes. I did not bring most of my nicer clothes. I have mainly t-shirts and pants/jeans. I only have 2 dresses and 1 skirt, and a few shirts. I didn't even bring shorts so I had to buy a few pairs. I have only one pair of sneakers (which is already falling apart) and slippers, and 3 pairs of shoes. I carry one handbag most of the time, sometimes I don't even carry a handbag but my canvas carry-all bag. In my bag, there is usually an umbrella (in case it rains) and at least one shopping bag should I decide I need to go and buy things.
My life is really simple. I don't have a lot of wants now. I am just satisfied being who I am. And I am counting my blessings.

Being Patriotic in a Land Faraway

It is Malaysia's 55th Independence Day. And I am not in Malaysia to celebrate Merdeka for the first time. The days leading to today have been reminders why I am Malaysian first and Chinese (descent) second. I am so Malaysian that when I am in China, I do not associate myself with people of the same kind with me, orientals, Chinese. I have a different kind of mentality due to different upbringing. I might look the same. But I am not. I am Malaysian. Everything I do and say, and think, is Malaysian. Much as I complain about the country of my birth, I love Malaysia, nevertheless. Will be posting more later, after I come back from a Merdeka celebration lunch.